Hey friend,
Let’s get real for a minute.
Marriage is beautiful—but it’s also really hard sometimes.
Like, “Why did I sign up for this?” kind of hard.
And I’ll be honest with you—I didn’t exactly ease into mine.
I had what you might call a shotgun wedding—married just 10 months after meeting my husband… and a baby within the first year. Talk about fast-tracking your entire life. I was raised Catholic, and the message I grew up with was: you get pregnant, you get married. My mom did. So did my brother. And even though I had told myself, “You’re not getting married ‘til at least 30,” life had other plans.
I was 26. Living in California. Fully focused on my career. And 100% sure I’d eventually move back to Michigan.
Then I met my husband on a blind date.
We moved in together months later.
And shortly after… surprise pregnancy, followed by a wedding.
Everything happened so fast. And with so much shifting, there was one thing we didn’t know how to do well: communicate.
🏠 Bigger Houses Don’t Fix Broken Communication
Our first year of marriage? I didn’t think we were going to make it.
We were cramped in a 900-square-foot house with two strong personalities, both trying to figure out adulthood, marriage, and now—parenthood. I thought upgrading to a bigger house would fix things. I needed more space.
And it did… for a little while.
But then came baby #2. More bills. Career shifts. Family deaths. And the heaviness of life set in.
We weren’t fighting about big things—we were nitpicking over petty stuff: Who cleaned what.
Who left dishes in the sink.
Who was more tired.
Who was carrying more of the load.
It felt like a competition… and neither of us was winning.
❤️ What I Wish I Knew Then: Words Matter More Than You Think
Over the years, I’ve done a lot of growing, reflecting, and humbling. And if I could go back and talk to that younger version of me—stressed, overwhelmed, and feeling unseen—I’d say this:
Your tone matters.
Your words matter.
And trying to “win” will cost you more than you think.
One of the biggest tools that helped me shift my marriage was learning how to use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations.
Let me give you some real-life examples.
❌ “Why are you so mad?”
✅ “I can feel your frustration—how can I support you right now?”
❌ “Why did you leave the dishes in the sink AGAIN?”
✅ “Babe, I know you were probably in a rush… but it would help me a lot if you could rinse the dishes next time.”
❌ “You’re being such a jerk.”
✅ “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but when you said [blah, blah, blah], it really hurt my feelings.”
These small shifts have huge emotional ripple effects.
-They remove blame.
-They invite compassion.
-They create space for healing.
✨ Other Lessons That Saved Our Marriage
- Let go of the need to be right.
This was a big one for me. My ego wanted to win arguments. But I learned: “winning” doesn’t bring peace… understanding does. - Give each other space to be different.
You and your spouse will do things differently. That’s not wrong, it’s just different. Let them be who they are without trying to mold them into a clone of you. - Ask for what you need—clearly and kindly.
Don’t expect your partner to read your mind.
Try: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. Could you help me with bedtime tonight?” - Use appreciation to build connection.
We’re quick to point out what’s wrong, but don’t forget to notice what’s right.
A simple “Thank you for taking the trash out. I really appreciate you” goes further than you think.
🧠 Marriage Isn’t About Keeping Score—It’s About Creating Safety
The goal isn’t to win fights, it’s to feel safe, seen, and supported.
That safety is built through language, tone, and intentional connection.
So if you’re in a tough season, I want to remind you of this:
You’re not alone.
Every relationship has its messy middle.
And just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s broken.
Talk to Your Spouse Like You Still Want to Be With Them
It’s easy to talk kindly when things are good.
The real growth comes when you learn to speak gently when you’re hurt, annoyed, or tired.
So next time you feel the urge to snap, try this instead:
Take a breath.
Lower your tone.
And lead with love, even if it’s messy, even if you feel the pull to be angry.
Marriage isn’t perfect. Neither are we. But when we choose our words with care, we create a relationship that can weather anything.
With love and hard-earned wisdom,
Dr. Anna Marie
The Mindset Doctor | Wife | Founder of Happy Whole You
💡 Bonus Tips for Better Marriage Communication:
- Use “I feel…” instead of “You always…”
- Assume positive intent before reacting
- Schedule weekly “state of the union” check-ins
- Pause before responding when emotions are high
- Remember: it’s you two vs. the problem, not you vs. each other
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